a breathe of fresh air.

praise the Lord!

it's amazing what time with the Lord will do for the heart.  :)

after my break down on Sunday night i feel refreshed. 

refreshed knowing that i can break the cycle. 

refreshed knowing the Lord is bigger than all of this!

refreshed knowing that my "dirty secret" is out.

(somewhat, i told my brothers)

it's amazing what lies will creep into my heart when i'm not continuously in the word. 

those are the days that i seem to be under attack the most.

i forget how easy it is to take my eyes off of the Lord and to put them on myself.

 to tell myself that i will never find peace.

 my heart is continuously under attack and yet my relationship with the Lord is at it's highest!

praise the Lord!

i need to surround myself in truth.

truth that i am now safe.

truth that i am loved.

truth that i will always be loved.

 i can do all of those things when i focus on the Lord. 

when i put my hope in my Savior. 

please be praying with me as i began the journey of talking through details. 

 be praying that as i walk through this that my focus will continue to be on the Lord.

be praying that i continue to surround and remind myself of the truth thats in my life.

enough is enough.

i am sitting in my bed and i am sobbing.

sobbing because the family i was in-trusted with didn't love me enough to protect me.

to keep me safe. 

to want to keep me safe.

i am sobbing because after reading numerous studies....i found this.............

being a victim of any type of abuse is hereditary. 

meaning......

because i was a victim of child sexual abuse the chances of my children being victims of sexual abuse are ridiculously high.

 i remember just sitting there thinking after reading those studies.

thinking about my family.

and realizing that my grandma was a victim of sexual abuse.

two of my aunts were victims of sexual abuse.

(im sure the list could go on...)

being a victim of sexual abuse may have been passed down to me. 

it may have happened because i was an "easy target"

it may have happened because i was vulnerable.

because i was too stupid.

the reality is we don't know why i was a victim of sexual abuse. 

we don't know if it's just my crappy genes or if it was just the right place at the right time. 

BUT WHAT I DO KNOW IS THAT IT WILL END WITH ME!!

enough is enough. 

i am sick to my stomach because i am completely overwhelmed with the statistics. 

i am completely overwhelmed knowing that on both sides of my family there has been sexual abuse leading up to me. 

i am completely outraged that families are ALLOWING something SO disgusting in their lives. 

in their families.

and instead of saying enough is enough they are sweeping it under the carpet and letting the abuse occur one after another. 

instead of choosing to protect their children they are CHOOSING to look the other way.

i am sick to my stomach.

enough is enough.

i am tired of constantly looking over my shoulder when a man walks into the room.

i am tired of the constant triggers.

i am tired of sleeping with a light on.

and i am sick and tired of making myself question whether i want to have children because im afraid to pass crappy genes onto them.

enough is enough.

as i sit in my bed, still sobbing........ this sentence keeps replaying in my head:

THE CYCLE WILL END WITH ME!! 

(enough is enough!!!!)

as scared as i am that i will pass the victim card to my own children.......

i know the Lord is bigger than that.

as devastated as i am right now..............

i know the Lord is working in my heart.

my heart is under construction. 

please continue to pray that i am able to find peace.

that i am able to put my hope in the Lord. 

AND rest knowing the Lord is where my peace and hope lay.