being engaged.

as of january 28.....i am engaged. praise the lord! there is nothing more exciting (besides the actual marriage part) than being engaged. especially when you are blessed with an amazing fiance.

 he is easily my favorite person. he challenges me. calls me out. loves me. protects me. is patient with me.

being engaged is exciting for multiple reasons. but the most important is that you get to plan two things. 

one the actual wedding day! two the honeymoon.

as nerve wracking as it is to walk down the aisle by myself while concentrating on not tripping or letting my bouquet slip out of my hand because my hands are so sweaty. with all eyes on me. 

im kind of excited. not excited for all eyes on me. or walking down the aisle by myself but excited to marry the one person who shows me what it feels like to feel LOVED.

now the honeymoon is a completely different nervous feeling. 

i am SO excited that we are going to disneyland. and in my head when i think of us going on our honeymoon thats where my excitement goes. 

my head begins to spin. my hands sweat WAY more than usual. my stomach starts to hurt. 

all of which happen when i begin to think about the purpose of the honeymoon. 

i have heard multiple people tell me thats completely normal. 

all people feel that way.

it will be fun.

you will be excited.

its healthy. 

blah. blah. blah.

im not saying that all of above is not true because i know its somewhat true. but to think that my honeymoon experience will not be normal thats the part that is hard for me to wrap my head around.

my heart begins to flood with guilt. knowing that my husband was not the only one to touch me in those intimate ways. 

i want nothing but the best for my future husband.

 knowing that he is stuck with me.

knowing that he will not have the honeymoon that he deserves. kills me.

the guilt of knowing that his future bride is wounded. kills me. 

i have to turn my brain off sometimes because i overwhelm myself with guilt.

guilt that the Lord blessed me with him. 

and blessed him with me.

he was blessed with a wounded person?

thats fair?

really?

obviously i know that every part of my story was created for reason. just like every part of his story was created for a reason. and that in those reasons the Lord has blessed the both of us with each other. 

we just feel those blessings differently. 

my prayer for this week is that among finding peace and working on trusting relationships in my life.

that i would understand why i was blessed with such an amazing person to spend the rest of my life.

i dont understand many things that the Lord does.

i dont understand his timing.

i dont understand how he can watch something so terrible happen to one of his own.

i dont understand.

but what i do understand is that at the end of the day i am still drowning in the GRACE that the Lord shows me.