i have a reason to worship.

something has been laying on my heart the closer the wedding comes.

i have always fought with feeling content not having a real relationship with my mom or a safe relationship with my dad. 

i fight myself thinking what my life would be like now if i grew knowing my dad and having a relationship with my mom.

i wonder if i would be as stubborn.

if i would put such a wall around my heart.

if i could learn to trust people in my life.

what my relationship with my fiance would be like.

if i would be as independent.

oh the list could go on.

"what would my heart look like right now if i grew up having a relationship with my parents and grew up with my brothers and sister?"

i can't help but to think if my birth mom made the decision to stop drinking. to stop using drugs. to stop being a door mat for disgusting men. 

to just be our mom. 

how would that have affected me? 

would i have a feeling of security? security knowing that my mom thought me and my siblings were worth fighting for?

or would that lead me and my siblings down a path of even more unhealthiness? 

not to say i haven't had any "moms" in my life.

i have definitely been blessed to have many women in my life who have loved on me.

invited me into their lives.

into their families.

and as much as i wanted to feel apart of that family my heart knew i didn't belong there.

to look back over my childhood-i have had my share of "dads"

i've had my share of men in my life who tried to step in and be a father figure to me.

 feels like too many men.

too many men who gained my trust and quickly took advantage of their role in my life.

biologically i have no clue who my birth dad is.

i know he is native american.

(hello-tan skin!)

he's tall.

(hello-long legs!)

and he lived with his mom in clovis.

that's it. 

that's all i know about a man who was in-trusted with a responsibly. 

a responsibly that is supposed to be treasured not thrown away.

with that said, i should be clear.

my birth mom was married to my brother's dad "tim"

my birth mom had an affair and became pregnant with me.

tim's name is on my birth certificate and for the longest time he was one of the only men in my life that i trusted. 

(besides my brothers, papa, and one of my uncles)

please know that even though i struggle with feeling content not knowing this man and as angry as i am sometimes with the Lord, i still know God is my VICTORY. and i have a reason to still worship. because he is STILL God.

i question EVERY relationship i have seen.

whether they are strangers off the street or a relationship i see from close people around me.

i question whether every relationship with a father and daughter is distorted.

as much as it kills me and shatters my heart i am constantly on guard. 

watching any relationship where a girl and a man are alone.

questioning the mans motives.

it's tiring.

i wonder if this was where most of my anxiety was coming from when me and my fabulous fiance  were talking about kids for our future.

please know as i bear out my heart right now that i have been aware of this for quite sometime and have been struggling to work on it.

it's been a silent struggle that i am being coached through it.

i havent struggled with this pain as much as i have the last few months. 

the closer the wedding comes.

i am finding myself surrounded by father and daughters.

i find myself crying when i sit to think about all the weddings i've been too.

replaying in my head all the fathers that have walked down their daughters and gave them to the man who would hold his daughters heart for the rest of their lives.

i have yet to decide if i am walking down the aisle by myself or if i'm asking someone to give me to my future husband. 

the meaning of being given away holds such a HUGE place of my heart.

it means the world to me.

but how realistic is that for me??

to have a man that I TRUST?

that's hard.

who would want the responsibility that so many men have thrown away.

how am i suppose to ask someone to pick up the pieces that so many men shattered.

i can count on two hands the number of men in my life who i can say i one hundred percent trust. 

in reality walking down the aisle by myself and giving myself to my future husband isn't what i pictured but a lot of my life is probably not how i pictured it.

the question is who?

the wedding is a month away. i need to make a decision. 

please be praying with me as i continue down this painful journey.  

please be praying that i first and foremost seek the Lord to fill me up.

please be praying that the Lord would shed some wisdom on my heart.

please continue to be praying that i find peace. 

my heart is definitely still under construction and though i have a wounded heart i know it's not broken.

praise be to the Lord and the Lord only.