having a wounded heart. not broken.

i started going through a book that was recommended to me by the counseling department of my church. the book was my first step to accepting that i was a victim of sexual abuse. 

the hard part with the first step is that i never considered myself a victim.

 i hated the word. the classification. the vulnerability. 

 i would have tried for the rest of my life to keep that dirty secret pushed under the carpet.

that is if i wanted or planned on being single for the rest of my life...or never wanted a close relationship with anyone. 

september/october i finally became overwhelmed with everything.

 overwhelmed with triggers. struggling to understand God's timing. and finding myself angry with my Savior for allowing such ugly things to happen to me. 

it was starting to take a toll on me. my relationships with friends. and my "intimate" relationship with my boyfriend. 

finally after many prayers and many coffee dates with much wiser women in my life, the timing seemed right to expose my dirty secret with the one person i trusted more than anyone. my boyfriend. my favorite person in the world. 

i still remember that night. we sat on my couch. i told him how i needed him to react. that i was probably going to cry. and that i needed him to not pity me. to not try to comfort me. to just listen.

he did just that. 

we spent that whole next week processing. praying. talking. praying. processing. praying. with a few angry moments. a few confused moments. a few emotional moments. 

by the end of the week we sat down and talked through what needed to happen next. to help me heal and to move on.

my boyfriend's first reaction was to take me away from all the unhealthiness in my life. start counseling. and help him process and understand my pain.

at the end of the week we sat down with his parents. we talked about ways to keep me safe. what i needed to do. what my boyfriend needed to do. and how they can make sure that would never happen to me again.

there was nothing that i wanted more than to pray for a list that would have all the answers i needed to be healed. to be made new. to understand. and to be able to check them all off as i go. 

unfortunately thats not how it works. 

my heart is constantly under attack. 

at times i feel broken. hopeless. completely shattered. angry.

angry that my Savior would allow something so disgusting in my life. angry that my own family members who knew something was wrong, wouldn't stand up for me. angry that my Savior would intrust my family to protect me. angry that my Savior still shows as much grace to those men as he does to me. angry that i am left to pick all of the pieces. 

angry that my fiance is left with whats left of me. angry that his future bride is wounded. 

each day is a battle.

each day is a constant reminder that even though i feel broken. 

im not. 

i am wounded. 

but that is for now.  

i  pray each day that Lord will help me find peace. i pray that the Lord will help me get through the day.